I can picture it vividly in my head, but due to my lack of skills in writing I can only try to type them down in a fairly insulting manner.
Its my last Christmas as a minor. Turning 18 in a few days. Mixed feelings about everything. Right now its Christmas-week, 6 days before December 25. Ideally you’d be shopping abroad, or visiting the province or staying at a fancy hotel. But the San Juan’s decide to go for the unexpected: Stay at home for the Holidays.
Well, I should have expected this, I guess. It’s been a busy year for my parents, as well as the rest of the family, not to mention my 18th is coming up soon, so this vacation won’t be a vacation at all.
Anyway, going back to the fantasy. So its a sad Christmas. You’re sick. You just lost your self a shot at the nationals in your sport. The one you love decides to love somebody else; the whole thing happened just a week before Christmas. You’re mourning. But of course, you try to cheer your self up because.. well its Christmas.
On the first day of the week, you watch an episode of your favorite show. Its a Christmas special, of course, and for a while, it made you feel the Christmas spirit and made you feel giddy and all those things you’re suppose to feel about Christmas. Then the show ends with a cheesy couple exchanging gifts for Christmas and just.. well, it lack of euphemism, just plain happy together, happy with each other. Something I’m not. Something I try to be. Something I don’t have.
So there you are, typing down your most desired Christmas eve. Even though half-knowing that it won’t come true. And the other half still hoping that it will.
5 days before Christmas, you spend it with your dearest friends, shopping, eating.. just about everything that would make you forget about your misery. You have fun and everything just stops for a while. You do the same the next day which is; 4 days before Christmas. 3 days prior, you spend it with your family slacking off all possible works and it’s been pretty uneventful.
2 days before Christmas you start missing her. Spent 2 whole hours contemplating whether to send a text massage stating “I miss you, wish you were still around. I regret the fact that everything’s changed. I hope everything’s going well for you and…. her. It seems like its out of line, but I really miss you right now.” but you decide not to sent the sms, just like before. You decide that by doing so, everything just doing to get more dramatic than it already is.
December 24 isn’t less dramatic,of course, as you wake up in the middle of the day, around 12 noon to be exact, finding the unsent message still.. unsent. So you save it in your “drafts” thinking that it might be useful one day.. maybe you’d have the courage to send it or.. something like that. But while that isn’t happening.. you cook Christmas dinner with your family. Dress-up, put make up on and all those things you do on Christmas Eve. Drive to your grand-parent’s house and spend an ample time thinking about the current happenings in your life,reflecting on how your year has been.
3 hours before December 25, you think about sending that message. You delete it, thinking that its the most logically right thing to do at the moment. Fast forward to 12 am, your phone vibrates. Its a sea of broadcast messages in your blackberry you see a Voice Mail. Hesitant to listen to it, so you find a vacant room, you breath in. And its from her.
Everything’s a blur.But at the same time, the line’s been set and everything’s clear. You matter to her. She wants you. She chose you. You got what you wanted for Christmas. And more.
Then you realize that it’s all just a fantasy and you’re still 6 days away from Christmas and the chances for this to happen is still 1:10. But that’s okay, I guess. Or at least it will be.
/therapy/